yeah most of you probably wont see/read/care about this but whatever, ill write it for the few that do. beware, rant ahead. lots of swearing. this is also partially for my gain because i need to fucking get this off my chest
school started this week and needless-to-fuckin-say, its taking a pretty bad toll on me /already/. as in, 'please for the love of god shoot my in my skull to make it stop' sort of stress levels. and its only the third day. after everything thats happened, and the fact that at LEAST a third of my summer was spent dealing with traumatic experiences, another third was spent attempting to recover, and the final third was spent RE-STRESSING myself about fucking school, my anxiety and depression has jumped to horrid levels they havent reached in a while. sometimes to the suicidal point.
adhd, severe depression, severe social phobia, BPD, possible BD, and generalized anxiety [yes, officially diagnosed, not self diagnosed, before you start shit] do NOT bode well in the public school setting. fucking seriously. all this bullshit with teachers trying to force kids to be social, no. let me sit in my fucking corner away from people, give me my damn assignment and let me work in peace so i can get through this fucking year and get out of here, thanks. dont talk to me unless i ask for help, dont make me talk to other people, dont make them talk to me. because, lets face it, i dont give a fuck about them, they dont give a fuck about me. lets accept that and move on to actual fucking lessons so i can get my class credits and stop worrying about the social bullshit, or bullshit assignments assigned as nothing more than busy work. you're gonna make me make a god damn project about myself to you? how about you fucking teach me the god damn curriculum instead please?
im fucking stuck dealing with this bullshit aswell because i have no other option. drop out? nope parents would kill me. online school? nope they purposely make it harder.
what the actual fuck is this.
so yeah. obviously all of this has only worsened my inability to draw. to the point it almost never really crosses my mind anymore. i have no motive or inspiration. all i want to do is fucking sleep and get away from everything. it's the little peace i get, and its only reachable if i dose up on sleeping meds. damn.
TL;DR: school sucks. mental illness sucks. life sucks. kill me. dont wanna art.