First off, Update after my last journal:THIS PART OF THE JOURNAL WILL BE IN SMALL PRINT, AS IT CONTAINS POSSIBLY TRIGGERING MATERIAL RELATED TO DEPRESSION, SUICIDE, AND SELF HARMI'm alright. Doing a lot better in comparison, actually. That night was really just.. well, I got triggered into having a severe mental breakdown which has truly only happened to me I think two other times in my entire life, so needless to say I was in a really bad state of mind- suicidal, actually- and I was left alone without contact to anyone I was close to to confide in, because it was pretty late, and since I felt totally worthless/useless/pathetic/etc at the time.. I wasn't willing to actively reach out to anyone and possibly wake them up.. I didn't feel like I was worth it. So.. I ran to FB, DA, Tumblr, desperately reaching for anyone who may have been up at just the right time and offer me the slightest bit of comfort. The slightest bit that might help shove me away from that edge that I was so close to, but still..not yet willing to jump from, regardless of how broken I was. Thankfully, a few of you were up at the right time and responded. Thank you, even if I did not directly respond. Ill get into why in a moment.
Death scares me, it really does. Even in that crushed state of mind where I felt totally lost and worthless and destroyed, I didn't feel like I had a right to die. I had no right to put those I care about so dearly, through the trauma of a suicide. It hasn't even been a year since I dealt with a loved one nearly killing themselves. There was no fucking way I could do that. And I am horribly sorry if I actually scared anybody into thinking I would in that last journal, really I am. If you actually got scared for me, please tell me and I will personally apologize to you.
But.. in that state of mind I really wasn't thinking, clearly.. I was hopeless, alone, and terrified. I hurt myself that night. I won't lie. I tried so hard, and I've avoided a real** relapse for a long time, but that night it happened. And.. I'm sorry for those it may have affected I suppose. Nothing severe, nothing worth a doctor, hardly even anything worth mentioning.. but it included both wrists, so I feel inclined to mention it.**By real relapse I mean breaking skin. There have been a couple points where I have used a dull edge and scraped myself, but never broke skin. It just hurt and reddened the area for a few days.Onto why I never personally replied to those who commented.. to put it simply, I felt overwhelmed, almost. The first few of you who replied on time, I was still in too bad a state of mind to really bring myself to talk to anyone, I just wanted to listen to others give comforting words, but I couldn't bring myself to really.. ask for that. I have a bit of a 'pride' issue in a sense. I have little to nothing to be prideful OF, but it takes a LOT for me to allow someone to see me in pain. I get that from my dad actually.. If Im in the hospital, nobody except my parents can see me. I don't want anyone else there to see me in such a weakened state. I guess thats also why I wouldn't text anyone that night.. I can let people I hardly know see me in emotional agony, yet I cant bring the people closest to me to see. I really don't know why.. I cant bring myself to depend on others. I've said it a thousand times, if I ever get paralyzed or something, I want someone to kill me ASAP. I cant deal with that kinda thing.
For the others that replied after, even noted me with concern.. I didnt reply because for a few days after I was still really depressed and antisocial. exhausted even. And.. there were quite a few of you. I didn't have the mental energy to tell each of you personally how much I appreciated everything, and that I was okay, and thank you.. Even now, I don't think I could go back and respond to all of you personally and explain to you just how much all of your kind words meant. They meant a huge deal..
But let's wrap this up.. Thank you. All of you who were there, all of you who cared enough to write something.. Thank you. I'm on medication now that so far seems to be helping a great deal. I still suffer at times but I'm much better off than I was that night..
If any of you are interested in getting more personal info and talking to me about just why I was so upset that night, feel free to note me, and Ill get to you as soon as I can which.. probably won't be long ahah I've got nothin' to do! But please, only do so if you're actually caring and want to talk to me, don't just ask me 'yo why were you sad' just cause you;re curious. It's a pretty personal and kind of long story, and I dont want to type it to someone just to satisfy their curiosity.
MOVING ON: Art programs? Brushes? Etc?
Lately I've kinda been in a rut as far as art goes. At least.. digital art. I'm always sitting in the same spot, same art program, same method of sketching, same brushes, same EVERYTHING. It's boring! I can draw fine in school on paper, but I really hate doing traditional art usually, I prefer the crisper cleaner method of digital. But lately everything seem so.. usual and boring. I SHOULD be getting a Cintiq Hybrid for christmas which should help greatly in changing it up a bit, but until then I'm kinda stuck!
So.. do any of you guys have any links to some kind of brushes you use? For Photoshop OR Sai
Or some free [or free-trial] art program you use? Please though, it needs
to have pen pressure
Thanks guys <3